Today is bleak and inspiration is fleeting. When life is closing in and it seems you are stranded where is there to go? I’m stuck on an island; all that surrounds me is the sandy beach and an endless blue of sky and water. It’s going to take a miracle to get off this island….
But as time goes by I realize that I’m not on the island, I’m not on solid ground. Instead my eyes sting and are blurry from the salty water, nothing is clear everything seems to be foggy. I’m sinking fast and the endless blue is all I see. This is the life that I’ve been living. What I would give to feel my feet on the warm sandy beach, to feel the sun shining, to see clearly again.
Have you ever been where I’m at right now? You thought you could breeze through hurts, mistakes, and pain without facing it? I thought I could do that but I was wrong, so wrong. So as much as it sucks it’s time to trade in what I want to do right now for what I know I need to do.
I’ve never been down this road, I’ve never willingly gave up something I wanted to heal. It’s uncomfortable and sad. Even though I know it’s time for a change within my heart, I have peace in the ways I’m used to. I’m used to sinking in the endless blue, with foggy vision. I don’t want to give up that place because it’s familiar; it’s so familiar it has made me numb to feeling like there is any other way.
I cling to the promises:
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart Jeremiah 29:13
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
I’ve messed up big, I’ve made my own ocean of mistakes, but I have hope. A tiny bit of hope within me; that is teaching me to trust and obey and put one foot in front of the other. When that pit of fear takes over I have hope that gives me a reason to choose to heal for myself and the ones that I love.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A Picture Story
The other day my son was mad at me. It was time for him to go to bed but he didn't want to, he wanted to play. He was so upset that he ripped pieces of a picture that I made for him. A picture that said " Love you all the way up to heaven" which is what we often tell eachother at night time. He made little tears at each corner because he was hurt that I wouldn't let him stay up later. Not but a few minutes later after he calmed down and realized I wouldn't give in to his tantrum he asked me for tape. He wanted to fix the rips on the picture. He felt bad, though he didn't say it I knew that he was sad by how frantic he was to fix something that had been made for him out of love.
How we are all like this picture and like my son. We take something or someone beautiful and mess it up with our actions. We say hurtful things, we turn away from those who need us, and we live through our own agendas causing pain or sadness for others. Our lives that once were beautiful pictures have become scarred and torn. We then come to our senses and want to find the "tape" to patch up the hurt. As we try to fix the wounds the picture looks similar but not quite the same. Like a scar you get from when you were a child from falling down, it fades over time but never comepletly goes away.
In these moments I'm in awe of God because He can make the impossible possible. For He can see what we can't. He can do what we can't. We see the scar but He looks to the heart. There are my own pictures that I have screwed up; people I have let down and no matter how much I long for their approval of love and forgiveness I may never get it from them. But I can get it from Jesus, He gives us grace to take off the old and put on the new. I think my son learned a lesson to value people and the gift of love; and I am reminded of the same lesson as an adult. We can't completely mend whats been torn when it comes to matters of the heart but God can and He will if we give it to Him and believe.
I hope we keep this picture for a long time, it already has a water stain on it and now little rips on each corner but the love is still there. Just like us tattered and bruised but there is still love there because we were made out of love and God is love.
How we are all like this picture and like my son. We take something or someone beautiful and mess it up with our actions. We say hurtful things, we turn away from those who need us, and we live through our own agendas causing pain or sadness for others. Our lives that once were beautiful pictures have become scarred and torn. We then come to our senses and want to find the "tape" to patch up the hurt. As we try to fix the wounds the picture looks similar but not quite the same. Like a scar you get from when you were a child from falling down, it fades over time but never comepletly goes away.
In these moments I'm in awe of God because He can make the impossible possible. For He can see what we can't. He can do what we can't. We see the scar but He looks to the heart. There are my own pictures that I have screwed up; people I have let down and no matter how much I long for their approval of love and forgiveness I may never get it from them. But I can get it from Jesus, He gives us grace to take off the old and put on the new. I think my son learned a lesson to value people and the gift of love; and I am reminded of the same lesson as an adult. We can't completely mend whats been torn when it comes to matters of the heart but God can and He will if we give it to Him and believe.
I hope we keep this picture for a long time, it already has a water stain on it and now little rips on each corner but the love is still there. Just like us tattered and bruised but there is still love there because we were made out of love and God is love.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
In the waiting room
Waiting to meet the right person, waiting for the right moment to call an old friend, waiting to be forgiven, waiting for tomorrow, why do we spend so much time in the waiting room?
We keep waiting for the right moment to make things happen or for God to answer our prayers. It is especially difficult when we step out in faith and obey God yet he remains silent. When we don’t see the result of our obedience it can become harder to believe and remain faithful. Instead of impatiently sitting in the waiting room I want to be actively seeking him each day in the living room. I want to think of today as a gift to know him more and seek His will. Have you ever thought of God as your protector? I have never really put that much emphasis in acknowledging that He is all the protection I need; I have placed that responsibility on people that ultimately are capable of letting me down no matter how much they may love me. Have you ever thought of God as your Redeemer? Only he can take off the old and put on the new. Have you ever thought of God has your friend? He is with us, He is for us. He has plans to proper us.
I get so caught up in the waiting room of life watching the clock, counting down the minutes. In those moments of focusing so much on waiting I miss all that is passing me by. I miss a moment to speak the truth to someone that is lost, I miss the sweet joy of solitude and a chance to pray with thanksgiving, I miss the chance to smile at a stranger, I miss the chance to learn more about my heavenly father. Perhaps we are in the waiting room for so long because he is waiting on us to depend on Him alone. Depend on Him through the silence, depend on him through the noise, depend on Him in the darkness, depend on Him in the light.
When we are walking in obedience there is a reason that sometimes we have to wait “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31
We keep waiting for the right moment to make things happen or for God to answer our prayers. It is especially difficult when we step out in faith and obey God yet he remains silent. When we don’t see the result of our obedience it can become harder to believe and remain faithful. Instead of impatiently sitting in the waiting room I want to be actively seeking him each day in the living room. I want to think of today as a gift to know him more and seek His will. Have you ever thought of God as your protector? I have never really put that much emphasis in acknowledging that He is all the protection I need; I have placed that responsibility on people that ultimately are capable of letting me down no matter how much they may love me. Have you ever thought of God as your Redeemer? Only he can take off the old and put on the new. Have you ever thought of God has your friend? He is with us, He is for us. He has plans to proper us.
I get so caught up in the waiting room of life watching the clock, counting down the minutes. In those moments of focusing so much on waiting I miss all that is passing me by. I miss a moment to speak the truth to someone that is lost, I miss the sweet joy of solitude and a chance to pray with thanksgiving, I miss the chance to smile at a stranger, I miss the chance to learn more about my heavenly father. Perhaps we are in the waiting room for so long because he is waiting on us to depend on Him alone. Depend on Him through the silence, depend on him through the noise, depend on Him in the darkness, depend on Him in the light.
When we are walking in obedience there is a reason that sometimes we have to wait “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Modern Day Hadassah
I need to write while it’s still fresh in my mind. The fearlessness, the wholesomeness, the selflessness, the graciousness, the humbleness of a young slave girl. I just got done reading the first two books from the “Mark of the Lion Trilogy” by Francine Rivers. The characters I have grown to love are real to me because I can see myself and others play their parts today. There was Julia a passionate, wide-eyed girl who started out innocent but quickly became the epitome of selfishness giving into every indulgence that would satisfy her needs and no one else’s. I would cringe inside as I read of her life spinning out of control with immorality. I wanted to scream at her “WAKE UP!” why are you giving away such beauty to things that will leave you empty, broken, and hopeless. But I found myself relating to this girl, it was like looking at myself knowing that I have lived like this girl at one time or another. Then there was Hadassah the young slave girl and a proclaimed Christian, she started out doubting her faith but by the end of the book I was changed by her walk. Last night as I turned that last page I found myself with new hope and a new love for Jesus. I want to be a modern day Hadassah, someone that is not afraid to speak the truth in love to anyone that challenges why I believe. I want to be able to forgive someone that hurts me without worrying about the risk, I want to be able to stand for what God has commanded of me because I’m so in love with Jesus that all I want to do is obey Him. Through this book I saw the roads of obedience and the road of self indulgence come to a close and I want obedience. I’m so thankful that He is our redeemer; he can restore us and make us whiter than snow. He has a good purpose for all those who believe.
I would recommend this trilogy to everyone! I never had a passion for traveling but after reading this book I want to travel to Rome, to Judea, to the Sea of Galilee. Even though this was just a book with characters I just know there were people like Hadassah, Julia, and the rest of the characters that walked before me. They endured the same struggles in a different time period and I find comfort knowing we are one body in Christ.
Psalm 51:7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your holy spirit from me.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Don't Give Up
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. Psalm 40:2
Can he really lift me out of despair, out of the pit that I have buried myself in? Should I keep trying, when all I want to do is give up?
I had dreams and yet he is calling me to surrender them. I planned out how my life should go but He is leading me elsewhere. To get to him I need to let go of what I want the most, how can I let go? How do I trust?
I don’t have the answer but I know that to get there we can’t give up. I keep walking my own way and it quenches my thirst for a while but then the emptiness dwells in my soul again. The times when I felt alive in my faith are the times that I showed restraint, taking off the old and putting on the new. I felt sorrow for things I gave up but peace because He has something better. The road is shaky, uncomfortable, unknown but it’s okay because He knows. Don’t give up on your faith when you are in despair, it may be harder, there may unhappiness, but by being faithful you will be made more Holy. “He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Keep walking by faith and don’t give up.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Suitcases
I’m all packed up with guilt and shame
places for pain and heartache
I even found room for tears
Stained on the leather of my suitcases
I’m all packed up with regrets and mistakes
Places for failures and fears
I even found room for sneers
Scuffed on the leather of my suitcases
Suitcases that were meant to be temporary
We each have our own we carry
Suitcases that were meant for trips
Have become the journey instead
Today I traveled far and long
To the place I once felt loved
Unpacking my suitcases one by one
His words whispered me a song
“Be still and know I am God”
One by one I unpacked my life
Each suitcase traded in for His sacrifice
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