Suitcases

I’m all packed up with guilt and shame

places for pain and heartache

I even found room for tears

Stained on the leather of my suitcases

I’m all packed up with regrets and mistakes

Places for failures and fears

I even found room for sneers

Scuffed on the leather of my suitcases

Suitcases that were meant to be temporary

We each have our own we carry

Suitcases that were meant for trips

Have become the journey instead

Today I traveled far and long

To the place I once felt loved

Unpacking my suitcases one by one

His words whispered me a song

“Be still and know I am God”

One by one I unpacked my life

Each suitcase traded in for His sacrifice

I found peace with my nose:)

This may sound funny, but I found peace with my nose. My unique Roman Italian nose, which my brother often swipes his finger across pretending an imaginary skier has taken flight off a bump or (slope) into the air. That bump caused me to part my bangs a certain way to disguise it, or I would try to make my eyes look more dramatic so my nose looked less dramatic. In pictures I would always be sure to look right at the camera to make sure no sign of my bump could be seen, so you get the picture I hated my nose. 

So this past summer I went to a Beth Moore seminar and low and behold she had the same issue with her nose! Except she would try to distract the attention away from her nose by making her hair BIG, if you know Beth Moore than you probably know what I’m talking about. I was just amazed that she was announcing that she didn’t like her nose on a simulcast in front of hundreds of people. As if that was not enough she then stated that she had started to like the dang thing!! Now that took some guts, she was accepting her insecurities, she owned her insecurities and better yet she was beginning to be okay with them.

The cool part (yes there is a cool part)about our insecurities is that God can handle them. My past mistakes may try to keep me backed down in a corner but those regrets can’t claim my security in His love for me or you. Another cool thing (yes another!) that I have found  in my flaws is that they can actually be turned into something valuable. For example with my own insecurities I have found compassion in my heart- to take the plank out of my own eye before I criticize someone else. I have also learned to be more forgiving when someone says or does something that hurts, I can forgive because in other peoples insecurities I see myself and I’m reminded of how many times I have asked to be made new and be forgiven.

Recently I heard Dr.Lehman say that perfectionism is a slow death, it’s a bold yet true statement. We strive to be perfect but perfection in this life is not attainable. So why not delight in our insecurities and think of them as something we can improve instead of perfect. Something we can maybe even start to like a little bit because it keeps us grounded, compassionate, and uniquely His! As I mentioned earlier I found peace with my nose, the other day I took a picture and it was smack dab the center of attention and for the first time I saw some beauty in it and even started to like the dang thing!

Perhaps when we are insecure those are the times that God is working in our hearts the most because in those moments of fragility we are the most vulnerable. We are hoping to be cherished, beautiful, smart, successful, and to be loved. If you find yourself at a breaking point with security hold onto this truth -God makes all things beautiful in His time! Sometimes I just say it over and over and I believe it too.

He loves the most faithful believer and is after the most wandering soul t-shirt

Totes!!

Hey Friends! My first t-shirt design is completed on a vintage burn-out t-shirt. If you are interested in getting one email me at Nicole.Renee.Jordan@gmail.com. This is a shear t-shirt perfect for layering!

$21.00

Surrender

I don’t want to give it up. Its comfortable. Its heartache. Its mistakes. Its lack of trust. Its abandonment. Its waiting for someone to change. It’s time I can’t get back. It’s a bad relationship. Its selfishness. Its failure.



All these things represent all that I hold onto. Why can’t I let them go? I stay in the molds which other people have plastered me in and I don’t believe I can be redeemed. I have tried too long to keep this life up on my own thinking that I can fix my soul. Why do I feel I need to handle everything on my own? This week I found relief; refreshing, weight lifting, life changing relief. Relief came when I realized that it’s just me and God. I have my own relationship with God and it doesn’t have to be “all prettied up” (as my pastor Dan Sutherland would say). He knows me, who I am now and He knows who I long to be.



I don’t need to say a fancy prayer, I can be real with God.



I messed up yesterday, I messed up today, he knows it and yet wants to take on life with me. We mess up but His love remains the same and freedom can be found through surrendering. We can be redeemed through surrendering our imperfections to God; he will show up when we give up control. I know that when I’m doing life my way I can’t hear Gods soft whisper to my heart; and I probably can’t hear it because I’m not asking for it either!



Surrender means to relinquish, hand over, part with, forfeit it’s the beauty of someone unwrapping their weary burdened arms, letting go of heartache, mistakes, abandonment, failure and laying it down at the foot of the cross for God to help.



Mathew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and burden is light.”

Something Light Hearted

My last couple posts have been a little serious so I thought I would lighten it up with this bird story! Enjoy:)

I got my son one of those balancing birds, you can put it on a TV, put it on a pen, put it on your finger tip and it balances-like magic! He loves it, it’s like a little trick to show his friends. So today the amazing balancing bird breaks, its wing chipped and the magic magnetic device is missing in action; of course something this disheartening only happens at the most inconvenient times like when I’m driving Jalen to the bus stop. In an instant his whole demeanor changes and the once peaceful ride turns into a full blown crying episode. So we get to the bus stop and low and behold the bus is already there about to leave. So I swerve in front of the bus (as any working mom would do;) and I scream to Jalen “The bus is here (as if he couldn’t see himself) get out of the car quick!” So he proceeds to slowly get his backpack from the car; so I get out and open his door thinking that I would speed up the process. As I’m opening the door I notice that the car is rolling forward! The blubbering mess I was forgot to put the car into park. So I jump back into the car put it in the park just in time to see Jalen smiling a little smile that blatantly said-MY MOM IS CRAZY!-I look over at the bus driver and sheepishly wave my hand in hopes that she is a forgiving soul and would see that I’m not a loon! As the bus rolled away Jalen peered out the window and sweetly waved; it seemed as if he could see the weight of frustration on my heart and wanted to reassure me that he loves me despite what a mess I was this morning. It was the best part of my day. That one tiny moment my hectic morning became okay again; I could actually laugh at myself and all that just had happened.

Today I’m thankful for hectic moments and that sometimes we can take a little joy and even a funny story away from them. We can get cranky and disgruntle and let it take our joy away or we could share a laugh with someone and sort of enjoy our imperfections. Today I choose to share my imperfections and hope someone else can get a chuckle over something that started with a stinking balancing bird;).

Made to be Alluring

I was reading Captivating the other day, and I’m to the part where it talks about how as woman we should be alluring. We are meant to be alluring. I just sat there in my grungy t-shirt and baggy pajama pants with my hair all up in a messy bun feeling anything but alluring. Most days I find myself staring in the mirror looking at my stomach wondering if I can ever get back to the way I use to before I had my son. Although my stomach was never flat as a pancake after having a kid it’s just not the same. It’s not only the outside that feels less than glamorous but I feel the same on the inside; I know that my heart has yet to recover from some of my past heartaches. I remember a time a while back where I had poured my heart into this guy, I did everything I could to try to win him over, made dinner, cleaned his place, watched his kids, but nothing worked. That my friend was NOT alluring. After we had broken up I remember becoming bitter to ever falling in love again; I cried and cried for a few hours but then I shut off. I was done being vulnerable and that is where I still am today. I still think I even see myself through the eyes of my ex…unworthy of love. As I write that I shudder to think that any person could make me feel that way; but HE is not the one who has made me feel that way...I’m believing in a lie that I am feeding to myself. How many times do we fix ourselves to look good for someone else? We buy that certain outfit so he will notice us, or we color our hair because then we will stand out (my favorite thing to do)…one thing after the other to make ourselves feel more alluring for anyone but who matters the most.

Being alluring starts on the inside and to get there we have to be willing to be a little vulnerable. We have to be willing to give up control and not depend on someone else’s approval to believe we are worthy. When I look up the definition of being alluring it means to be extremely attractive and gorgeous this may be true but I think it’s the result of being gracious, subtle and gentle. When I read the stories of Ruth and Esther in the bible they were both alluring because of their trust in Jesus. Their TRUST alone is so awe-inspiring because they lived courageously by faith. It’s also awe-inspiring because it doesn’t have to be just their story; if we TRUST in God it can be ours too. What I love most in the book Captivating is that it speaks of being alluring in the most pure essence of the word and its God honoring. Alluring means the opposite of flaunting ourselves and being too available. It’s the beauty of finding who we are in Christ, how valuable we are to the King of Kings. I recently read an awesome quote that reminds me of this…”A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek him first to find her” – Maya Angelou. That is such an inspiring quote that gives me a whole new perspective and reminds me that my dependence should be in God alone. When God is the foundation I believe that he uncovers beauty in us we never believed we could have. So for now I may keep my grungy t-shirt and baggy pajama pants but my sights are set on the Lord; you know the best part- we can just come as we are and be loved.

Encouraged

I'm here to say to not be discouraged
look around and be encouraged.
Take a step outside yourself;
see the sun shining down.
Each day He has given a new adventure;
its up to you to take the challenge.
I know that you haven't heard him lately;
be still and listen, He will be present.
This world will take a toll on you only if you let it;
Stand firm don't let Him be second.
Be patient when life is rough;
in His time all things are made beautiful because He is love.

New Challenge

I’ve been feeling like the past year has been a fog, the day begins and ends in a instant. I have forgotten how to cherish the way night turns into day and day into night; those few hours of the day God paints the sky with a brush of new colors. Distractions are easy to come by and I find comfort in them so I can remain numb to really living. The other day at the gym I heard a lady talking to someone she hadn’t seen in a while, “Sorry I’ve been such a bad friend, give me a call sometime and we can have tea”. It seemed half-hearted to me and then like an arrow to the heart I remembered that I have been the same way. I’ve been trying to squeeze in too many things without investing quality time into my friendships and time with my son leaving me exhausted and impatient.


When I came to the realization that my life was a blur of events I started going through the rolodex of memories I had over the past year and I found nothing. We’ve all had times when we tried to remember something but it doesn’t register…or it does later on when it’s not as useful to us. It has seemed like this whole year went by and I can’t remember anything significant; my joy is missing and being excited about each day is a distant memory. My mind has been spinning with too much going on and my relationship with God is getting lost in the shuffle. I’m becoming numb to life; I have been living on the sidelines just getting by. I kept thumbing through that old rolodex praying to remember anything good, happy, inspiring and it brought me back to bible study. My first bible study after a extended vacation away from Jesus; I had a new passion for him and he was at the center of my life. I was joyful, I smiled (wholeheartedly), and my fears and anxieties were diminishing. In that group we developed authentic relationships with each other; when someone missed group we would call to see if they were okay. Lately I wonder how many days have gone by that I let an authentic moment pass me by because I’ve become nonchalant; a mere observer of life.



I didn’t just stumble into that bible study, I signed up for it. I’ve been living the easy way coasting from one thing to the next without putting my heart into it. A lot of times when my son Jalen is talking to me, I just say “Huh-huh”, nod my head “That is great”! If anyone knows the meaning of authentic- it’s kids. They know when we are just brushing them off and as most moms know they will find other ways to get attention. I want to sign up for life again and be deliberate about how I spend my time, deliberate about keeping God the focus of my day so I can be a better me. Yesterday I smiled (not for the first time in a year be assured) deliberately, I smiled when I saw a stranger, I smiled at the cashier, I waited an extra second to hold open the door for someone that was not speed walking through their day. When the day slowly turned into night I didn’t feel numb anymore; it’s amazing what a little smile can do.



So, I’m taking on a challenge. The challenge to be deliberate in my walk with Jesus even when I don’t feel like it. Each day we should be present, get in the word, sing a song of praise, do a little dance, whatever it takes to keep us grounded. Distractions are a tool that the enemy uses to keep us numb; no more! I don’t want to say sorry for not being a good friend or mom, I want to make time for the people I value with a heart that is gracious. God will give us what we need, each day is a new canvas with the chance to fully live. When the night turns to day I’m going to take the time to admire the colors of the sky, the seasons, my family, my friends, and feel alive again!

How can we be more deliberate in our walk with Jesus? Any ideas, I would love to hear them!