I’ve been feeling like the past year has been a fog, the day begins and ends in a instant. I have forgotten how to cherish the way night turns into day and day into night; those few hours of the day God paints the sky with a brush of new colors. Distractions are easy to come by and I find comfort in them so I can remain numb to really living. The other day at the gym I heard a lady talking to someone she hadn’t seen in a while, “Sorry I’ve been such a bad friend, give me a call sometime and we can have tea”. It seemed half-hearted to me and then like an arrow to the heart I remembered that I have been the same way. I’ve been trying to squeeze in too many things without investing quality time into my friendships and time with my son leaving me exhausted and impatient.
When I came to the realization that my life was a blur of events I started going through the rolodex of memories I had over the past year and I found nothing. We’ve all had times when we tried to remember something but it doesn’t register…or it does later on when it’s not as useful to us. It has seemed like this whole year went by and I can’t remember anything significant; my joy is missing and being excited about each day is a distant memory. My mind has been spinning with too much going on and my relationship with God is getting lost in the shuffle. I’m becoming numb to life; I have been living on the sidelines just getting by. I kept thumbing through that old rolodex praying to remember anything good, happy, inspiring and it brought me back to bible study. My first bible study after a extended vacation away from Jesus; I had a new passion for him and he was at the center of my life. I was joyful, I smiled (wholeheartedly), and my fears and anxieties were diminishing. In that group we developed authentic relationships with each other; when someone missed group we would call to see if they were okay. Lately I wonder how many days have gone by that I let an authentic moment pass me by because I’ve become nonchalant; a mere observer of life.
I didn’t just stumble into that bible study, I signed up for it. I’ve been living the easy way coasting from one thing to the next without putting my heart into it. A lot of times when my son Jalen is talking to me, I just say “Huh-huh”, nod my head “That is great”! If anyone knows the meaning of authentic- it’s kids. They know when we are just brushing them off and as most moms know they will find other ways to get attention. I want to sign up for life again and be deliberate about how I spend my time, deliberate about keeping God the focus of my day so I can be a better me. Yesterday I smiled (not for the first time in a year be assured) deliberately, I smiled when I saw a stranger, I smiled at the cashier, I waited an extra second to hold open the door for someone that was not speed walking through their day. When the day slowly turned into night I didn’t feel numb anymore; it’s amazing what a little smile can do.
So, I’m taking on a challenge. The challenge to be deliberate in my walk with Jesus even when I don’t feel like it. Each day we should be present, get in the word, sing a song of praise, do a little dance, whatever it takes to keep us grounded. Distractions are a tool that the enemy uses to keep us numb; no more! I don’t want to say sorry for not being a good friend or mom, I want to make time for the people I value with a heart that is gracious. God will give us what we need, each day is a new canvas with the chance to fully live. When the night turns to day I’m going to take the time to admire the colors of the sky, the seasons, my family, my friends, and feel alive again!
How can we be more deliberate in our walk with Jesus? Any ideas, I would love to hear them!